23:58 Dec 01 2011
Times Read: 952
Dear journal,
I know that you'll let me unload all the things that are going on in my heart and in my mind without judging me. I know that know matter what I say, you won't tell me that I'm being dramatic, crazy, being a freak or being silly about things...no matter what they may be.
Journal, so many things have happened. I feel confused, hurt, depressed and I feel like I'm dying on the inside. I feel like I'm drowning...and there's nobody to save me. Journal, I don't know what to do anymore! It seems that I'm always highly emotional and I don't know what to do to make these emotions stop. Journal...I'm so fucking scared. I don't know what to do anymore. Life feels like it's spinning out of control more and more with each passing day.
Journal, I really feel like God is looking down at me and that he is laughing his ass off at my pain. I feel he's enjoying every moment of this darkness that's consumed me.
Journal, I pray for God (or a higher power) to take it all away. I turn to him and pray for guidance. I ask him to walk with me durring these hard times. I even ask him to carry me through these hard times if he can. I pray for forgiveness for my wrong doings. Forgiveness for my attitude because I know that no matter what I'm going through...there's other people out there going through far worse...and I truly understand that. I pray for forgiveness for the way I rage...the very hostility in me that I so desperatley need to be rid of. I pray for forgiveness for the way that I lash out at those around me who don't deserve it. I pray for forgiveness for acting out the way that I do...and this happens every single day/night. I'm at a loss and I don't know what else to do and this is why I feel like I am a damned or lost soul.
Journal, I have always known that life can really damage a person. I know that things/situations will never be perfect. I do not expect perfection. I never will. I also know that life can be rewarding. That it's a grand adventure. That life is what one makes of it. Even through the darkness and pain I know that it can drastically change for the better...no matter what. No matter what faith I could be (and have been)...I have always believed and will continue to believe that everything happens for a reason. Everything. But it's harder and harder to believe.
Journal, I know for a fact that I am one hell of a strong woman. Even at my weakest I know that I am forever strong no matter what others may think or say. But that being said there has to be more than just pain and suffering for me. There has to be more than confusion and sarrow for me. There has to be. There just has to be. I'm not a bad person! My intentions have always been pure. Always been true. Always been more than good. Journal, all I know is that I miss somebody very important to me. I miss them so much. So damn much! I miss the way things used to be. The way things were before all of this.
Journal, I have suffered through the lonliness, the aguish and the aches that my heart has dealt to me ever since the day I had to say goodbye and watch as circumstance carried somebody that I love (more than anybody in the world), right out of my life just as fast as they came into it. I've remained patient even as the hours turned into days. Days turning into weeks. Weeks turning into..........well....you get my drift. How does one really just accept certain things when every moment is a constant reminder of how alone they are and feel? How does one just let it go like it's no big deal? How does one cope when it hurts to the very core?
Journal, I can't pretend that as of this point...that it doesn't take a part of my soul away each and every day. Journal, I don't always express how I feel the way that I should. I get frustrated. Tongue tied. Heartbroken. I don't always say the right things. I don't always know how to harness or process all of this...but I swear to god I'm doing the very best I can considering...everything that's been happening.................and all I know is I'd give anything to make the 'wrong' right. Perhaps I need to pray for forgiveness for that as well. I just want things to be okay again. Or...as close to okay as it can be.
Journal, all I know is...I am honest and I will continue to be for the rest of my life. I am loyal. I am faithful. I am true. I'm patient. I have nothing but pure intentions...
But I am, in fact, human. I make mistakes. I become more than difficult. I confuse. I exhaust and sometimes...I disappoint...but I swear, I don't mean to. I am human. I feel. I succeed and I often fail. I do the very best I can...and...
All I know is that I need the biggest hug that one can recieve. To feel that warmth and love. To be told that I am loved and that the worst is finally over. To give that love and warmth back.
I ache for it.
I really need it.
My eyes are so very swollen from crying.
So...
Please, please, please,
understand where I am coming from.
Forgive me. This is me...as is...
and I'm doing the very best that I can even still.
And I will continue to do so.
Because I love.
Because I love you.
COMMENTS
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Fizbop
00:52 Dec 29 2011
Looks like he's stepping through a time portal of some sort as if he's going to war with something in the past that may have caused hell in the future.